Last night during the American Idol finale Ryan Seacrest proudly announced that the 63.4 million votes that were cast to decide the winner were “more than any president in the history of our country has received.”  This got me thinking.

American Idol is surely this country’s biggest phenomenon since the advent of democracy.  And with season five of American Idol getting its highest ratings ever, clearly Idol’s popularity is on the rise.  Meanwhile, democracy’s popularity is, well, not so much.

Maybe it’s time democracy got a makeover (an extreme makeover, if you will).  And so I present American Idol: Presidential Edition.

First we’ll do away with primaries and caucuses (does anybody know what a caucus is anyway? — if we don’t know what it is, we surely can’t miss it!).  Presidential candidates will be choosen through auditions held across the country.  Each candidate will have three minutes to make a statement — winners will hear the good news: Congratulations, you’re going to Washington D.C.! and losers will be made fun of on national television for their stupid ideas.

The top twelve candidates will then debate each week live on national television and have Randy, Paula and Simon judge their performances.  Votes will be cast by the audience and each week one candidate will be eliminated.  Their could be a theme each week: The War of Terror, Immigration or Social Security reform, and their could be guest stars and special performances.  Democracy will be fun again!

Just imagine how much more entertaining the 2004 election would have been with the Idol format:

RYAN SEACREST:  Senator Kerry, is it fair to blame the president entirely for loss of jobs?

JOHN KERRY: I don’t blame him entirely for it. I blame the president for the things the president could do that has an impact on it.

Outsourcing is going to happen. I’ve acknowledged that in union halls across the country. I’ve had shop stewards stand up and say, “Will you promise me you’re going to stop all this outsourcing?”And I’ve looked them in the eye and I’ve said, “No, I can’t do that.”

What I can promise you is that I will make the playing field as fair as possible, that I will, for instance, make certain that with respect to the tax system that you as a worker in America are not subsidizing the loss of your job.

I don’t want American workers subsidizing the loss of their own job. And when I’m president, we’re going to shut that loophole in a nanosecond and we’re going to use that money to lower corporate tax rates in America for all corporations, 5 percent. And we’re going to…

SIMON COWELL: Stop, that’s enough.

RANDY JACKSON: Yo dog, ok, so I’ve gotta keep it real, man, I just wasn’t feeling that answer.  It just didn’t do it for me.

PAULA ABDUL: I think that was a safe answer, not your best answer, but we still love you, you’re still great!

SIMON COWELL: That was safe, lazy, boring.  You’re not going to win with a performance like that. 

RYAN SEACREST: Mr. President?

GEORGE W. BUSH: Whew!

You know, he talks to the workers. Let me talk to the workers.

You’ve got more money in your pocket as a result of the tax relief we passed and he opposed.

If you have a child, you got a $1,000 child credit. That’s money in your pocket.

I believe the role of government is to stand side by side with our citizens to help them realize their dreams, not tell citizens how to live their lives.

My opponent talks about fiscal sanity. His record in the United States Senate does not match his rhetoric.

He voted to increase taxes 98 times and to bust the budget 277 times.

RANDY JACKSON: Ok, so listen, WE GOT A HOT ONE HEAR TONIGHT!

PAULA ABDUL: I just felt your energy, you embodied your possessed passion — you’re amazing, we love you!

SIMON COWELL:  I think you’ve both gone deaf.  That was dreadful.  Completely unintelligent and unoriginal.  My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in politics, don’t.

RYAN SEACREST: Senator Kerry?

JOHN KERRY: Ryan, anybody can play with these votes. Everybody knows that.

I have supported or voted for tax cuts over 600 times. I broke with my party in order to balance the budget, and Ronald Reagan signed into law the tax cut that we voted for. I voted for IRA tax cuts. I voted for small-business tax cuts.

Do you know why Pell Grants have gone up in their numbers? Because more people qualify for them because they don’t have money. But they’re not getting the $5,100 the president promised them. They’re getting less money. We have more people who qualify. That’s not what we want.

RANDY JACKSON: It was a little pitchy for me.

PAULA ABDUL: You’re great.  We love you.

SIMON COWELL:  You both are giving me a headache.  If you would be speaking like this 2000 years ago, people would have stoned you.